Rainy Sunday
Moods change quickly here in the Fiend household. We woke up happy. The bedroom was warm and cozy. We were naked and in love. Some friends of ours, way the hell out in Doylestown, were hosting a Christmas cocktail brunch, so we planned to take the 12.20 train. We spent some time taking advantage of our nudity, then I went to the gym so I could work off the calories I planned to consume in Mimosas.
When I got back from the gym I yelled upstairs to Boyfiend. He didn't respond. I yelled again. I didn't hear anything. Assuming he was in the shower I made a phone call that I've been putting off for weeks. A good family friend, Marvin, has been telling my mom that I have to call him for weeks. He's a lawyer, and is supposedly very excited about my impending nuptials. I figured that he wanted to congratulate me or recommend either an interfaith rabbi or a judge to marry us. I was wrong. He wanted to talk prenuptial agreements.
I was taken aback. I understood where Marvin was coming from, but the thought of a prenup really hadn't crossed my mind. After last year's breakup I'm positive that if we get married we're staying married. But I own my house and I have a lot of equity in it. I also have some lawsuit money (that I have no interest in spending until an emergency or retirement) invested. When you add it up, I have a good chunk of money for a school teacher under the age of thirty. After I hung up the phone, I hurried to shower and dress so we could make our train.
To get to the station we needed a cab. It took longer than expected to find one. As we hunted for an unoccupied taxi, Boyfiend asked who I was talking to. I told him that I'd finally made the call I'd been putting off. He asked why Marvin wanted to speak to me. When I said, "You don't want to know," I really meant it. He asked again. I should have known better but I told him. Boyfiend was outraged that I'd dare to suggest he'd ever screw me over and try to take my money. I was outraged that he thought I was the one that suggested it. We finally got a cab, but we missed the train. Our friend who left two minutes before us made it, but the combination of my shower, a fight over prenups, and a bad taxi driver left us rushing to the next station stop and watching the train pull away.
Things probably would have been fine if we had made the train,(we had friends waiting for us) but watching the train leave the station without us was too much. I stormed out in a rage to get a cab and insisted that I was driving Boyfiend to the party, then turning around. My reasoning, though it sounds ridiculous now, was that to make up for ruining Boyfiend's day and making us miss the train, I'd drive him there. But I couldn't bear the idea of going to this party without consuming several alcoholic beverages, so I'd drop him off and head home where I could go to the yoga class I so desperately needed and drink without driving.
Boyfiend wasn't having any of that though. He said that he wasn't going to the party unless I promised that I'd never mention a prenup again. That made me feel like shit. I wasn't the one who thought of a prenup, Marvin was. And while I agree with Boyfiend completely about how a marriage is built on trust, and a prenuptial agreement assumes that the marriage won't last, maybe Marvin isn't wrong in suggesting that I need to protect my assets. The argument escalated to the point where Boyfiend said that not only would we skip the party, we wouldn't be getting married if I asked him to sign anything.
When we got to my house, we argued some more. Boyfiend went upstairs, and I engaged in some self-medicating activities. I wondered how we went from hot, I'm-so-in-love with-you-and-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you sex to breakup talk. After a few minutes of staring sadly at our Christmas tree, wondering if this would be the last tree we'd have and if I'd have to give back the ring, Boyfiend came down and sat beside me. He put his arm around me and crying a little, I leaned into him. He reminded me that he loved me, and wouldn't leave me, ever. He reminded me that I love him and asked if I'd ever leave him. "Of course not." We held each other and kissed a bit, then got into the car to begin the long drive to Doylestown. In the rain.
When I got back from the gym I yelled upstairs to Boyfiend. He didn't respond. I yelled again. I didn't hear anything. Assuming he was in the shower I made a phone call that I've been putting off for weeks. A good family friend, Marvin, has been telling my mom that I have to call him for weeks. He's a lawyer, and is supposedly very excited about my impending nuptials. I figured that he wanted to congratulate me or recommend either an interfaith rabbi or a judge to marry us. I was wrong. He wanted to talk prenuptial agreements.
I was taken aback. I understood where Marvin was coming from, but the thought of a prenup really hadn't crossed my mind. After last year's breakup I'm positive that if we get married we're staying married. But I own my house and I have a lot of equity in it. I also have some lawsuit money (that I have no interest in spending until an emergency or retirement) invested. When you add it up, I have a good chunk of money for a school teacher under the age of thirty. After I hung up the phone, I hurried to shower and dress so we could make our train.
To get to the station we needed a cab. It took longer than expected to find one. As we hunted for an unoccupied taxi, Boyfiend asked who I was talking to. I told him that I'd finally made the call I'd been putting off. He asked why Marvin wanted to speak to me. When I said, "You don't want to know," I really meant it. He asked again. I should have known better but I told him. Boyfiend was outraged that I'd dare to suggest he'd ever screw me over and try to take my money. I was outraged that he thought I was the one that suggested it. We finally got a cab, but we missed the train. Our friend who left two minutes before us made it, but the combination of my shower, a fight over prenups, and a bad taxi driver left us rushing to the next station stop and watching the train pull away.
Things probably would have been fine if we had made the train,(we had friends waiting for us) but watching the train leave the station without us was too much. I stormed out in a rage to get a cab and insisted that I was driving Boyfiend to the party, then turning around. My reasoning, though it sounds ridiculous now, was that to make up for ruining Boyfiend's day and making us miss the train, I'd drive him there. But I couldn't bear the idea of going to this party without consuming several alcoholic beverages, so I'd drop him off and head home where I could go to the yoga class I so desperately needed and drink without driving.
Boyfiend wasn't having any of that though. He said that he wasn't going to the party unless I promised that I'd never mention a prenup again. That made me feel like shit. I wasn't the one who thought of a prenup, Marvin was. And while I agree with Boyfiend completely about how a marriage is built on trust, and a prenuptial agreement assumes that the marriage won't last, maybe Marvin isn't wrong in suggesting that I need to protect my assets. The argument escalated to the point where Boyfiend said that not only would we skip the party, we wouldn't be getting married if I asked him to sign anything.
When we got to my house, we argued some more. Boyfiend went upstairs, and I engaged in some self-medicating activities. I wondered how we went from hot, I'm-so-in-love with-you-and-want-to-spend-my-life-with-you sex to breakup talk. After a few minutes of staring sadly at our Christmas tree, wondering if this would be the last tree we'd have and if I'd have to give back the ring, Boyfiend came down and sat beside me. He put his arm around me and crying a little, I leaned into him. He reminded me that he loved me, and wouldn't leave me, ever. He reminded me that I love him and asked if I'd ever leave him. "Of course not." We held each other and kissed a bit, then got into the car to begin the long drive to Doylestown. In the rain.
posted by girlfiend at
7:42 PM
7 Comments:
warchild13@spymac.com
It's not really any of my business but I've noted that when a partner reacts violently to the idea of a pre-nup you really really better get one. Does he own a house? Have a stock portfolio or financial future?
Why angry unless he had plans or doesn't understand.
And it started so great!
Wow, um should never give advice, especially when I am the anti-advice queen, but his outrage sounds like a red flag to me, but it may also be indignance that you would even consider such a thing (I bet the fact that you didn't suggest it went over his head as he focused on pre-nup, pre-nup). Perhaps he was just insulted, but his reaction was over the top, especially the fact that he wouldn't marry you if you had him sign such a thing. Precaution is better than no caution at all. Don't not get it out of fear. But do follow your heart and the security of your future on this one. People often turn out to be different than you thought they were (why my Steve is a prime example). Blah, blah, blah...good luck.
Ditto on the surprise and the flag and the luck.
I'd say to ditch this guy of yours. For something like that to happen already proves that more problems will arise after marriage. This whole bs about relationship built on trust, honesty, blah blah , yadda yadda is a bunch of crap. When there is trust in a relationship, the word "trust" shouldn't even be mentioned. It just happens and it flows. Just like, for example, if you lend your friend 50 bucks. And he never pays you back. But he is a good friend, so you don't care. You don't mention it because it is not important that he pays you back or not, if it happens, it happens. You don't even think about it. WHY? because you already know and you don't care. Because that person is your good friend, if he repays you, great, if not, then you don't mind. It's not important to you. Just like trust in a relationship, it just happens. You don't care nor bring it up when it's there. If it's brought up, then there is a problem. Just like if you mention you want your 50 bucks back or when is it gonna be returned, that means something in your head triggered you to ask for it back.
I'm not sure if I'm making any sense, but I hope you get the idea. From your story, I don't trust the guy. I'm not saying he will screw you over in the future, but you never know. Even brother and sisters screw each other over money, so you never know. And I just think that if the pre-nup was brought up from a phone call. And you didn't even say you wanted one yet. Why did he get all offensive. In my case, if that were to happen to me, I wouldn't care. If I were to sign one stating you keep the stuff you own and I keep what I own, I wouldn't care. Because that's how it should be. Sure, when you marry u share what you have. But when you are divorced, then it's back to the way it used to be. It's as simple as that. It's not as complicated as people make it. And if it is, then there is a problem and that person is not Mr. Right or Mrs. Right. But people tend to be in denial. They lie to themselves thinking that it will be okay. It will go away. There are other great things about the person I love. Well, it's up to you to find out what quaalities are the most important to you. And if a guy getting all upset over a pre-nup that you didn't even plan in the first place is on the top 10 of that list. Then you should know what to do.
In the end, it's simple. Two people that trust each other just happens. Try to ask yourself what you would tell your friend if she told you the same story? How would you see it? Because certain things are easier said than done when it actually happens to ourselves.
drameddie, I like the analogy about loaning a friend money. One of my testimonials on Friendster reads:
I owe girlfiend about $12 for dry cleaning
from an incident in 2002. I also owe
her $14 for a Pavement/GBV concert in
1994. The fact that she has not
reminded me of these debts speaks
volumes about her generousity.
"After a few minutes of staring sadly at our Christmas tree, wondering if this would be the last tree we'd have and if I'd have to give back the ring..."
i hope im this in love when i get married (for the second time)... just kidding.
as i read through your posts i must say you remind me a lot of myself and my ex-husband.
you two sound as pathetic as us when we were young. i wish i could have all that time back, all that time wasted.
do yourself a favor and get out of this relationship now before you ruin the next several years of your life.
take it from someone who knows.
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